aimless journal entry
turned letter to no one? letter to you? advice column for us both??
there is a life that is mine somewhere floating in between every knife I plunge into my own sense of desire. not only one - there are countless, just out of reach. beyond fingertips, not because of any measure of capability, but because you aren’t rewarded with one hundred beautiful lives when you hate yourself.
you miss the opportunity to live out your dreams when you spend spare moments manufacturing what there may or may not be to hate under your skin. you spend all your time digging.
you have shame stuck under your finger nails, my love
they are dirty and you’re disgusted by what they hold but its that very pit in your stomach building a dilapidated home around your honor with locked doors and windows painted shut.
we know this now
that we are all thinking of ourselves far too much
of course we are - and often in all the wrong ways
not in the ways they warn you about - with grinning boast and jest but with the hatred in your mothers eyes
i pray that image makes no sense to you
i pray it is lost on you
or if nothing else it is held in the palms of those who see more of you than even you may never be able to recognize
my prayers are loaded these days - shoulders shrugging and bag dragging on the floor
believe them when they tell you they love the way you make the air feel lighter when you walk into a room
let yourself feel proud of something you have molded with your fingers and dont feel hesitant to show it to the world
remind yourself you arent evil and they didnt have a good reason for finding it so hard to love you
remind yourself that more than for some grand purpose, you are actually here to just experience every single thing you can in the time allotted.
a note, since it has been a while -
I have found it really difficult to write and share anything ~not~ about the horrors we are watching unfold. and at times I’ve struggled with the idea that taking space away from that online feels wrong. but I believe the community I have here is well aware of those horrors and know that I am not meant to teach or share about those things now. there are people doing that far better than I ever could.
what I mean to say is we are all trying our best to manage a moment of ease we can as we unfold into a global war and witness suffering daily.
we find pockets of joy, we cook together, we talk about what it means to reorganize how we see this world we are a part of, we decide together what our roles are, we listen to black and indigenous leaders and organizers and we try our best to not be numb.
thank you for being here and your grace as I stepped away from sharing - I look forward to using this platform more regularly
housekeeping: if you are a paid subscriber, there will be a zine in the mail for you next month. if you have upgraded to paid in the last two months and haven’t filled out the address form on my website please do so <3 so I can get you your goodies (see link below)
zine subscription for paid subs
tytytytyty